Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Water does not collect on TOP of a hill, take the damn bucket up there yourself! Stupid Blonde!!! ~ what Jack should have said to Jill

   If you try to fail and succeed which have you done

   Today is the only day Women can relate to condoms, their either on you or in your wallet !

   of course "Need you now" won for song of the year, is the best booty call song of all times!

   wondering why zombies wear such drab clothing... They' look a lot less un-dead I'd they'd just spice up their wardrobes with a bit of color.

   Someone please take these chocolate eggs away from me!!!! There's no more room in my jeans!!!

   ‎"Plank" Party at Casey Anthony's!!!!

   i mine as well go out and kill the person I hated forever and see if I get away with it.

   If you trip in public, just strtch out your arms and legs, move them back and forth across the ground, and claim you are making dirt angels.

   needs some comfort food.. Oh wait! I ate it already.. :-/

   there's nothing worse than watching a movie preview with action, guns, explosions, fighting, people dying, hot chicks, and.....a PG-13 rating!!

   If a mute swears, does his mother was his hands with soap??

   I wouldn't know how to act if Mr. T approached me and he was nice, I would be hella confused

   You never see the guys putting big advertisement signs up on the highways

   Had a great past weekend at Myrtle Beach with my girlfriend. She only caught me looking twice at women on the beach... The bruises are almost gone....!!!!

   No no no .... They're not "Used Cars" anymore, they're "Pre-owned" I suggest "Divorce" be changed to "Pre-F*%ked"

   Does the plus sign mean Google tested positive for Facebook?

   On Tuesday night, I skipped seeing The President of the United States of America to see The Presidents of the United States of America. It was the right call.

   According to legend, the only way to stop the volcano in Iceland is to sacrifice Lady Gaga and Britney Spears at same time.

   First 5 people to like this shall receive a hand crafted statue of me wrestling an invisible bear."