Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never flush a toilet when the power's out cuz I don't know how stuff works.

   Nutella...the only reason I buy bread.

   My hurricane tip of the day: if you live in the Northeast, OMG HURRICANE COMING PANIC......

   Reasons 1 why Florida is considered the "Pitbull" State by the Press....We have 3 categories of last minute of lazyass late voters: Latinos, Blacks and Senior Citizens. you can have 2months of early voting and that ish wont ever change!!!

   Not sure if I slept or just drifted into a brief coma... can't explain this taste in my mouth either.

   Either you suck at spelling or you own an iPhone or both kid.

   Who brings Boxing Gloves to a Gun fight?

   Rationally, I now understand that my parents were always Santa, but I still don't get how they made it to all those houses in one night.

   What did the elephant say to the naked man? I don't know how you manage to breathe through that thing.

   I'm almost drunk enough to comment on a YouTube video.

   I like my women like I like my coffee, sent back for not being hot enough…

   Weeds not a drug? Ha! Ya and Tomatoes aren't Vegetables! Wait....they aren't!

   I will no longer need your services REAL LIFE...I Now have MineCraft!

   Home from a long day so please don't call or text me. Gonna combine my favorite things... Yep, I'll be Napping Off.

   Love when people update their Facebook page 20+ times a day. Frickin annoying. We get it you are important!!

   My beard is the welcome mat to my face.

   : The average man can't tell if a woman is about to give him a kiss or a slap in his face.

   He who shoots girlfriend on valentines day deserves an OSCAR award

   Im designing a New perfume for all the girls who forgot to shave, It's called "Forever Alone"......... It smells like a Cruise ship on fire at sea!

   Never text your wife and your gal pal at the same time...one misplaced "love you" can confuse everything