Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Yes girl you can cook, give great head, have a great sense of fashion, are kind, beautiful, sexy, and have a great smile but can you twerk? 
Hey Carl, know what day it is? It's Friday. Woot woot. Suck it Carl.
If you are a dog catcher and don't have a "pug life" tattoo you are doing the whole life thing wrong.
Meatloaf will do anything for love.. but won't do it for a klondike bar. . .
Obama: children in Syria were gassed. It means, Obama is not going to kill children?! I'm not sure! Please don’t swindle us!
Explaining G A why marriages to Jesus when he returns is the least of our problems. Explaining Justin Bieber, Kardashians, Gangnam style is what we should be worried about.
I'm only 1/2 Italian. Luckily, it's the half from the waist down.
I wonder if the people who jerk off to anime p 0rn cry the entire time, or just after
ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...
ironic that due to all the steroids, A Rod doesn't have the stones to admit he did steroids...
“Hey you kids - get off my field of skulls!” -Arnold Schwarzenegger as old man Terminator in "Terminator 5"
Girls that text "kk" instead of "ok" are only like 3 bananas away from burning a cross in somebody's front yard
Everybody deserves someone who'll make them look forward to tomorrow than make them dread tomorrow.
having sex is just like playing the drums, the harder you hit the louder they get.
What's the difference between a young hooker and an old hooker? The young hooker uses Vaseline and an old hooker uses Poly-Grip.
When life gets too stressful, sometimes you need professional help. Hire a prostitute, they're highly-trained at stress release.
"Pay me now Round Eyes" kinda ruins that delightful happy ending moment
The song, "Strangers in the Night," is about your grandpa banging your grandma the night they met.
only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
"Try again, dumbass" - the little red line under your misspelled word 