Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Got fired from my job today for being high at work and also for being, and I quote “Not a real gynaecologist”

   i admire how when babies dont want to hold something anymore they just drop it

   Just joined Anonymous Anonymous. This time I'm serious about breaking my addiction to hacking government websites.

   why does my Pirates of the Caribbean CD have a Piracy warning. I think it goes without saying right?

   A group of 25 people all huddled yelling You're a sheep as I walk into the store and put my mask on. And ask me for a beer as I walk out. Baaaah NOPE!

   Been getting a lot of things done lately thanks to a wonderful Facebook feature I love using you could find under settings then scrolling down to where it says log out.

   i think the word "divorce" should be hyphenated so the 2 halves of the word are separated

   How much weed does it take to bake a Potato ?

   i find it ironic that when you go to the usps website to complain, they tell you to email them

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   If a man gives you an engagement ring without a wedding date, you're not engaged. You're on lay-away.

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   I mean I know I got the vaccines and all, but I used to eat a lot of 7/11 hot dogs, so I was swimming in antibodies long before the shots.

   Don't trust real doctors? You think their purpose in life is to fool the whole world? Then ask your local feed store if Ivenmectin is right for you.

   Dirty talk, but you both use your customer service voice.

   If it isn't broken, fix it until it is. 🛠

   If I had an Australian Accent, I would never shut up.

   Time to hit the sack. After that, I’ll probably just go to bed.

   "Where the hell are all these moths coming from?" -Thomas Edison

   Neil Diamond's real name is... Neil Diamond. Grace Slick's real name is... Grace Slick. Engelbert Humperdinck's real name is... Arnold Dorsey. I think about this a lot.