Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You really want animals? Try installing a bed sheet with a cat
←Rate | 03-31-2021 08:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some girls will be asking questions like...."can you die for me?" As if the death of Jesus Christ was not enough.
←Rate | 03-30-2021 15:20 by Anthony Comments (0)  

   messageicon I heard that crooked ship stuck in the Suez Canal has the crooked Biden family's money laundered millions from corrupt business dealings and pay to play schemes on board.
←Rate | 03-29-2021 09:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Exercise gives you energy, but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a Pyramid Scheme to me.
←Rate | 03-28-2021 21:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm on hold with my bank and the recording says "Did you know you can access our website 24 hours a day?" No, I had no idea. I thought your website went "off the air" at midnight like a 70's TV station...
←Rate | 03-27-2021 12:08 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm at that age where if I hear a strange noise downstairs I'm too lazy to go investigate it and just think "Well I had a good run".
←Rate | 03-27-2021 08:54 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anne, I had to quit my profession as a gynecologist. I got tunnel vision.
←Rate | 03-26-2021 11:49 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon It is said that "beauty is in the eye of the beholder." What about the other eye?
←Rate | 03-26-2021 10:56 by Fazzy Comments (0)  

   messageicon Children are the greatest gift of all, but punch some holes in the box so they can breathe.
←Rate | 03-26-2021 07:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Two Section 8's in a relationship don't make 16.
←Rate | 03-25-2021 20:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I think we all owe 2019 an apology. It wasn't so bad after all
←Rate | 03-25-2021 02:19 by Burdette Comments (0)  

   messageicon I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
←Rate | 03-24-2021 11:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Spring is my favorite time of year. Everything looks like a Summer's Eve commercial.
←Rate | 03-24-2021 09:48 by @ohshit_itsdoodle Comments (0)  

   messageicon Twenty shootings in Chicago over the weekend. Sure signs that nothing has changed in Chicago despite the pandemic.
←Rate | 03-24-2021 07:59 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When I said I'd do anything for you I meant fight bad guys or slay dragons...not vacuum or do the dishes.
←Rate | 03-23-2021 20:43 by Gripenfelter Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got thrown out of the park for arranging all the squirrels by height. Apparently they didn’t like me crittersizing them.
←Rate | 03-23-2021 10:25 by Fookhead Comments (0)  

   messageicon *me filing for unemployment* Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours Me: so you’re only open 4 hours Unemployment Office: yes any other questions Me: yes how do I work at the unemployme
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:12 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
←Rate | 03-23-2021 08:11 Comments (0)  

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