BigSarge Funny Status Messages

   Single mothers must make the toughest decisions every day...... Decisions like "Which of my children's toys is giving up its batteries for mommy's toy?"

   My Step-Son asked me to explain women to him, so I bought him an PlayStation game for his XBOX.

   If you've never manually separated your butt cheeks to amplify a mediocre fart into a fantastic one, we could never be real life friends.

   Telling your woman to calm down, works about as well as trying to baptize a cat.

   Nothing says "I mean business" like using a shopping chart at the liquor store.

   I just poured superglue into a non-stick pan. Somebody is about to be proven wrong.

   I just ate a pudding cup without a spoon (In case you want to lift me up like Simba and present me to your people?).

   How do Mexicans cut their pizza?..... With Little Caesars .... ***drops mic, Harlem shakes off stage***

   Where can I buy a couple tumbleweeds? It would look way cool to have a few of them following me around the house

   I'll bet Anthony Weiner's babysitter's mom is pretty freaking creeped out right now.

   Dear Kim Jong Un, Mr Dennis Rodman didn't impress you? Well here let me introduce you to US Naval Seal Team 6!!

   I ran to the liquor store minutes before it closed!! **crosses "Run Marathon" off of my bucket list**

   I spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. Mostly in the parking lot, where I ponder alternative solutions like liposuction and tapeworms.

   I spend my weekends random dialling women in the phone book and telling them their pillows smell nice.

   69: because giving each other happy endings at the same time is very mature.

   All my status updates should be read in that hollow "affect-less" voice of a man with nothing left to lose.

   I hit a new low today. I used a cheat code on "The Biggest Loser Ultimate Workout" on my XBox Kinect

   90% of women don’t like men in pink shirts. Ironically, 90% of men in pink shirts don’t like women.

   WTF........... Just saw a duck smiling at me like a Facebook girl

   911 what’s your emergency? Me: My Wife keeps pointing a flashlight at me!! 911: How is that an emergency? Me: It’s attached to her gun!!!