Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

Sort:  Recent   |   Oldest   |   Rating


Search Messages:
Page: 5 of 6339

   messageicon Therapist: “What brings you in today?” Me: Every time my husband puts the dishes away, he puts them in a different location. Therapist: “I’ll cancel all my appointments.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon It’s called gross pay, because it’s disgusting to see what you could’ve made.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 01:58 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 00:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Beginning to see the need for censorship. Certain people are just too ignorant to be allowed to speak.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 04:12 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.
←Rate | 01-06-2023 19:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Amazonesia: When you forget what you ordered this time.
←Rate | 01-04-2023 02:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 15:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My emotional support dog after spending a day with me. Dog: Drinks a 5th of vodka and chain-smokes non-filter cigarettes.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:23 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:04 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”
←Rate | 01-12-2023 00:22 Comments (0)  


   messageicon My wish for 2023 is that nothing unprecedented, historic, or once in a lifetime happens.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 00:29 Comments (0)  


   messageicon If you stay silent and fail to rock the boat in this war between good and evil; your life might be easier, but your children’s won’t.
←Rate | 01-10-2023 02:21 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Research has shown that laughing for two minutes is just as healthy as a twenty-minute jog. Now I’m sitting at the park, laughing at all the joggers.
←Rate | 01-08-2023 01:43 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Got a new book: “How to pretend to be normal.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:24 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Has decided to be fully delusional this year and see where that takes me. Because, being sensible hasn’t gleaned the results I’m looking for.
←Rate | 01-18-2023 01:03 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:01 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Lucky for you, mirrors can't laugh out loud.
←Rate | 01-12-2023 01:34 Comments (0)  


   messageicon The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”
←Rate | 01-08-2023 17:25 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.
←Rate | 01-09-2023 02:48 Comments (0)  




Submit your own funny facebook status message here:
Name:
Status Message:

... characters left