Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’ve decided to become a Disney princess* *pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:50 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed. I jiggled the change in my pocket.
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “can we contact your previous employer to find out what you were like on the job?” sure as long as I can contact your previous employee to find out what you did to drive them away
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon An educational show for children about the importance of treating your toys nicely: Breaking Bad
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:46 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele But here we are
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Alright good work team, we’ve made all the ship jokes and we can stop now
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:45 Comments (0)  

   messageicon in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon [Restaurant] Waiter: Sir would you care to choose your lobster? Me: There’s only 1 in the tank & he’s holding a sign that says ‘I have a family’
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:42 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Can't the black folks just use the same ID they showed to get vaccinated to vote?
←Rate | 04-02-2021 14:15 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Biden is not my ... Uhh.. You know.. The thing
←Rate | 04-02-2021 12:23 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I'm on two diets now. I wasn't getting nearly enough food on one diet...
←Rate | 04-02-2021 08:46 by Gabe Comments (0)  

   messageicon Life is little more than a constant stream of boredom, pain and suffering.
←Rate | 04-01-2021 13:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. Give a man a poisoned fish, you feed him for a lifetime...
←Rate | 04-01-2021 13:03 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My first official April Fools act was changing all the clocks in the house ahead one hour! Update: prank backfired on me. I never changed the clocks during daylight savings. 🙄
←Rate | 04-01-2021 10:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Things nobody ever said in the 1980s: "I lost my telephone."
←Rate | 03-31-2021 22:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Oh crap. I just realized that I'm ugly naked guy from Friends.
←Rate | 03-31-2021 22:38 by DerrickCathcart Comments (0)  

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