Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon Every day Stephen King and I both: 1. Get up 2. Terrify People 3. Tweet
←Rate | 09-13-2021 10:11 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I was just traveling thru an overpass where the city's homeless seem to gather, and it made me proud. Even they are doing their part to battle this Covid 19 as I saw a couple of them administering vaccinations to each other.
←Rate | 09-12-2021 22:46 by KennyH Comments (0)  

   messageicon I have this condition where I can no longer do math in my head. It's called Fibromyalgebra.
←Rate | 09-12-2021 21:33 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I got mood poisoning....must have been something I hate.
←Rate | 09-12-2021 08:16 Comments (0)  

   messageicon As I was getting into bed she said "You're drunk." I said "Why do you think that?" She said "Because you live next door."
←Rate | 09-11-2021 23:53 Comments (0)  

   messageicon “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you find out why.” ~ Mark Twain
←Rate | 09-11-2021 16:13 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Florida has had 119 hurricanes since 1850, but this latest one was due to climate change.
←Rate | 09-11-2021 02:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon How can you tell that the truth is being told? When Facebook blocks it, Twitter deletes it, Google hides it, Youtube bans it, the media censor it, and the government forbids it.
←Rate | 09-11-2021 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon FDA approved does not mean scientifically proven. It means that a business deal has been made.
←Rate | 09-11-2021 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon One good thing about being a Amazon delivery driver is you can impress women by telling them your company provides you with a Mercedes-Benz.
←Rate | 09-10-2021 15:16 by Moon Comments (0)  

   messageicon As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
←Rate | 09-10-2021 14:02 Comments (0)  

   messageicon n't it ironic that I have to use my driver's license to buy stuff that impairs my ability to drive?
←Rate | 09-10-2021 08:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I know words, I know the best words.
←Rate | 09-09-2021 21:37 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are three sides to every argument: Your side, the other guy's side, and the correct side.
←Rate | 09-09-2021 16:10 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
←Rate | 09-09-2021 09:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
←Rate | 09-09-2021 09:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
←Rate | 09-09-2021 09:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
←Rate | 09-09-2021 09:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some day Rick Astley will die and no one will dare click on the headline.
←Rate | 09-09-2021 09:35 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED. Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
←Rate | 09-09-2021 09:35 Comments (0)  

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