Nobody Funny Status Messages

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   Before Facebook, I used to be stupid in the confines and privacy of my own mind.

   When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.

   I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving.

   Where do you keep your booze? I keep mine in my liver, like normal people.

   Dogs are tough I tell you...... I've been interrogating this one for hours and he still won't tell me who is a good boy.

   If someone does not appreciate your presence, give them a taste of your absence and see how they like it.

   If my door was closed when you came in, make sure its closed on your way out. Thank you!

   My drug dealer cracks me up.

   The stuff you do while you're procrastinating is what you should be doing for the rest of your life.

   "I'm 16 and my boyfriend is 40, is that bad?" ''You spelled dad wrong."

   I'm moving to Antarctica, where there's no bullsh!t. Just penguins.

   This girl just agreed to go on a date with me this weekend. Now I just need to email her my terms and conditions and we are good to go.

   WANTED: A single girl who can cook, love and has a good Job. Must have a house and a car. Please send me pictures of your HOUSE and CAR.

   it cardio if you put on your swimsuit and have a panic attack?

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   Girls who say 'G-strings are more comfortable than regular underwear' know that men hear 'I like things in my butt'

   Thank God I finally found love! Its on Page 126 in the dictionary.

   I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat.

   Men may have created fire but women have discovered the art of playing with it.