Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   I'm so used to ending phone calls with family and friends by saying "I love you", that I accidentally said it to the female agent at Spectrum. Anyway, she gave me 6 months of free internet and HBO.

   How effective is the absorbency of an oak leaf? Asking for a squirrel.

   The Media in a nutshell... On the Flu: "It's going around." On the Coronavirus: It's coming after you, and it's coming hard! Bet on it!"

   I have a sore throat, a headache and a dry cough. We all know what that means. I'm never buying weed from Alowishus Jackson again.

   I'm a magician. An overweight magician. My most famous trick is putting on a Speedo and having it disappear instantly.

   I've decided that throughout this Coronavirus ordeal; especially to those at home practicing Social Distancing, the term "calories" regarding all foods shall now be referred to as "Boredom Alleviation Points."

   This isolation was getting to me, so yesterday I decided to go jogging. Big mistake. My thighs kept rubbing together and my legs caught on fire.

   All of us are tools to some degree. It's just that some are jackhammers and some are 1/4" nut drivers.

   Last night I made the last of the dishes on the Huffington Post list of "25 Foods You Have To Eat Before You Die." So I guess this is goodbye.

   The Coronavirus has me upset to the point where I've lost weight... 20 lbs total! I have no appetite whatsoever so this thing needs to go away. But not just yet. I want to lose another 30.

   I haven't watched this much TV since the "All Day Saturday Cartoon Marathon" when I was 8.

   This isolation thing is going to make Palm Sunday mean something completely different to a lot of people.

   I can't find any masks, gloves, or hand sanitizers. Long story short, I just now paid for the premium version of McAfee antivirus. Let's what happens.

   In celebration of Earth Day, I'm just gonna go outside and stare at the ground for a while.

   They should change the name of our galaxy from the Milky Way to the Snickers. Let's face it, we're all nuts.

   "Nothing like a game of Twister, that's our motto." - Makers of IcyHot

   You're traveling thru another dimension. A dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of dough, ricotta and mozzarella. Your next stop, the Twilight Calzone.

   North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is presumed either dead or in a vegetative state. Most likely Bok Choy.

   I know that people want to go back to work because they're broke, but there's still a serious virus floating around. I'm going to go out on a limb and guess that being broke is better than being dead.

   I randomly changed all the contact names in my phone. However, I can't remember who they actually are. So far today, I've been texted by Willy Wonka, Spongebob Squarepants, Charlie Sheen, Nancy Pelosi and Jerry Springer.