Funny Status Messages

   I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early. *Runs Amazon van off the road

   why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb

   I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.

   My neighbour wasn’t in when her wedding dress was delivered. She called to ask me if I would take it in for her, so I did and now she’s mad because I made it too tight.

   I’m glad we have such strict illegal drug laws, otherwise people would be using and over doing on them

   I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.

   The pinata is a great way for Mexicans to teach their kids to beat something till they get what they want.

   Why can't Star Wars fans ever get laid? Because they are looking for love in Alderaan places.

   If I ever I start thinking about get married I'm going to first let them use my slow as molasses computer with slow Internet service just to see who they really are.

   Fun fact: if you shush a librarian they have to grant you three wishes.

   Scars are tattoos with better stories behind them.

   If you don't vaccinate your kids they'll grow up to be Vegan CrossFitters with a gluten allergy.

   Pope declares Mother Teresa a saint. Kanye West sues the Catholic Church for copyright infringement.

   I bet Target never opens stores next to a bow and arrow shop.

   When I was young at bedtimes my mum always told me a story with a happy ending. One of the benefits of having a mum from Thailand I suppose.

   can't stand it when someone posts some spoiling info about a movie I haven't seen yet.

   Betty Crocker likes to spoon?

   elegantly wasted.

   I had to use my AK this afternoon.. Still, it was a good day, as I only used it to scratch my back.

   wants to go back in time and give the person just about to invent the "high five" a high five, then sit back and watch the universe implode