Funny Status Messages

   I wash my hands at least 5 times a day. But not because of the Coronavirus. I own a Volkswagen.

   Would taping or gluing my mustache and beard together meet mask requirements?

   Hear me out: Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper. This is where we’re at, people.

   If I die at the begining of the month after paying my rent, they better sit me on the couch till the 30th!!

   Blessed are the agoraphobic, for they shall inherit the earth

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible

   Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE

   Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to fly a helicopter.

   My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.

   Apparently pumping to a woman means something entirely different. I thought she meant the gym. I wondered why my cereal tasted funny

   My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back

   The creepy Dyson guy is trying to sell me a bagless dream catcher.

   This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

   Momma, I hid my milk! -A Parenting Horror Story

   why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE

   Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark. Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?

   I was conceived at a Pink Floyd concert, and while I’ve gone on with my life, my parents are still there waiting for them to finish playing Dark Side of the Moon.

   If by “living off the grid” you mean never giving retailers my correct email, then yeah, that’s totally me.

   Anyone know any jokes I could tell without losing 10 Facebook friends?