Funny Status Messages

   I actually hate grocery clerks who ask "paper or plastic." It's like they know I f*ck ugly women.

   My body is not a temple…it's a distillery with legs.

   I find it annoying when someone posts "Got the most exciting news today!" Then when asked what, it turns out to me something lame like "My cat is pregnant again."

   says ok I ll admit It, I am a pervert . Now stop going on about it and grab some whip cream, some feathers, handcuffs, a vibrator, blindfold, a whip and follow me into the kitchen.

   Just built a time machine, it's taken me days and heaps of uncooked macaroni. I wrote this tomorrow!

   Vene, Vidi, Vacuum. I came, I saw, It sucked.

   I shaved my commute time in half by changing my car's horn to sound like gunfire....

   People think that I'm too patronising (to put in terms that you'd understand, that means I treat them like they're stupid).

   That awkward moment when your EX is you Doctor O_o!

   Ladies this is your last chance before the rapture to send me pics of your breasts!!

   My life needs more explosions and gaping plot holes.

   "I don't regret destroying my earlobes with giant discs one bit!" - Every retard who has done so 5-10 years from now.

   Nicki Minaj shut down her twitter account saying “A voice in my head told me to delete my Twitter and that's what I did,”Can that same voice tell Justin Bieber to do it also..

   Some days it's not worth chewing through the straps.

   It's awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.

   You don't truly know someone until you see how they react to their bag of chips getting stuck in a vending machine.

   Celine Dion, Sarah Jessica Parker, Kathy Griffin, and Garry Busey... The four horse faces of the apocalypse

   no, NO, you don't need to apply for a Target credit card in the 10 items or less lane.

   WHERE YOUR PEN GOES WHEN YOU DROP IT 3% right where you dropped it 5% 10 feet away from you 92% into another dimension never to be seen again.

   I'd imagine homeless people aren't the fans of little dogs wearing sweaters