SEAN Funny Status Messages

   If I ever die I want to be buried in my refrigerator in case I wake up and want pudding.

   "It's summer! Yay! No more school shootings!" - American children.

   I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

   I'm not allowed to have any energy drinks until all the cat's hair grows back.

   A coworker wouldn't stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.

   As a child, I used to play with an imaginary man who lived in a well. He'd be all, "Please, I'm not imaginary!" and I'd just laugh and laugh

   A cute thing I tell my kids when we see a dead deer on the side of the road is, "Looks like Santa lost his temper again."

   "Are you even listening to me?" is a weird way for my wife to start a conversation.

   I have a tattered suit that I bring to weddings so if I happen to be running late I can put it on and stumble in yelling, "BEAR! BEAR!"

   The NFL is taking it's crackdown on violence so seriously, the refs are now using rape whistles.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

   I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is