Funny Status Messages
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I'm going to get "Poor Decision Maker" tattooed on my face. 
I guess "kick the bucket" will be the last think on my bucket list.
Awesome idea... You and 2 of your friends go to 3 separate dealerships and test drive the same make, model, and color car. Then you meet up somewhere, all swap cars, and take them back. Then say you'll keep their card and be in touch.
If having the moves like Jagger entails prancing around like an electrocuted chicken then no, I do not have the moves like Jagger
Ladies it's only fair of me to inform you, in case you are diabetic, that I'm sweet. Also, if you have food allergies, I have nuts.
Don't let your ego write a check your character can't cash.
People sometimes say that 'motivation doesn't last', But neither does Bathing... That's why we recommend it daily.
Her: I want to kiss you where you pee. Me: In the shower?
Trump hasn't tweeted the Launch Codes yet...So, far so good!
How dare the NFL build walls to keep fans that haven't paid for a ticket from entering the game!" #NotMySuperBowl
Well .... That's IT ... It's the LAST STRAW !!! ... I'm now going to vote for the candidate who left people to die, Covered up her husbands Sexual Assaults, And Threatened National Security ..... Because that other candidate said some mean things.
We should make it so Congressmen are no longer elected. Then the Donald could create a reality show like the Apprentice, which would shown and sponsored on television, and make them all have to justify keeping their jobs. If they can't, -- "Your FIRED"
.... Just think ..... after this week ...... everything in "Back to the Future" will take place entirely in the past!
congratulations to Brian Williams on winning the Powerball
Burned a clock today... Actually ended up inhaling a lot of "secondhand" smoke.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
The news always showing pictures of these thugs when they were little kids is like a girl who has a profile picture when she was a hundred pounds lighter.
Does anyone know of a quick test to tell if you're cool? I mean...obviously...I'm just asking this for a friend....
If women just did the same things they did while auditioning for the ring after they got the ring there would be less divorce
I dont do jokes about the Spanish....... no way Jose! 