Funny Status Messages

   I walked into a florist today and said “I want a bunch of flowers for my wife.” The cashier looked at me and said, “What are you after?” I said, “Some sex.”

   Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.

   it still called a gas pedal on an electric car?

   I think I turned back my clock way too far, I just saw a guy with a mullet at Kmart .

   Because I’m on diet, I only ate half of a donut and saved the other half for 2 minutes later.

   As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.

   2020 is what happens when you mix tarot cards with cards against humanity.

   My brain at 6am: I’m tired. My brain at 9am: I’m tired. My brain at 1pm: I’m tired. My brain at 5pm: I’m tired. My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?

   I’ve been trying to start my truck with my house key since 7am this morning, there’s no way I’m gonna stop now.

   My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

   I just learned that snails can sleep for 3 years at a time and it looks like I have a new spirit animal (sorry wombats)

   Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   We don't care how much money you have, how many cars and homes you own or how popular you are. Get past the dying part and then we'll be impressed.

   My friend hates it when I put his chocolate bars in other chocolate bar wrappers. He gets his snickers in a twix.

   I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."

   If you fill a Whoopee cushion with gravy it adds a new twist to a classic practical joke.

   If I owned a company, I'd make my stock symbol WTF just so I could hear the TV guys say WTF all day...