andrew jackson Funny Status Messages
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Screw you, space between my driver's seat and center console that's just the right size to accommodate every thing except my hand.
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If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
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Most of my workday is me thinking what my couch is doing right now
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You know you're a bad driver when your GPS tells you "after 400 feet stop and let me out"
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This is gonna date me, but I remember when people used turn signals to notify other drivers of their intentions.
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I just don't understand why Flo from Progressive needs to have an apron on to sell car insurance.
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If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.
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Upon learning how old I am, a 5 year old named "Braxten" told me I was "really old," so I whispered in his ear, "at least I have a real name"
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If Kanye didn’t sing “Gold Digger” while Kim walked down the aisle, I’m not interested in hearing anything about their wedding
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Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is “limo window partition” between the front and back seat not an option yet?
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I'm old enough to remember when the lamest thing in the world was to take pictures of yourself, like you had no friends
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Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
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The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."
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I just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
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Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
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here's to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
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I hate it when TV shows say they contain “adult situations” but then don’t show anyone going to a job they hate, paying their bills or cleaning up their kid’s vomit.
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Why do they even offer 2014 as an option when selecting your birth date? Like you’re fresh out of the womb ready to join Gmail.
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Talk is cheap, until you hire a lawyer.
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I dream about naps.
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