Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon You’re the reason the gene pool needs a lifeguard.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:43 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:41 Comments (0)  

   messageicon You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:39 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:09 Comments (0)  

   messageicon When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:06 Comments (0)  

   messageicon My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:04 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Anyone: Do you sleep with a fan? Me: I’d say my wife mostly likes me, but “fan” is pushing it. 😁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 03:01 Comments (0)  

   messageicon (Overheard from the other room) 8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich? Grandma: Did you eat all your supper? 8yo: No. Grandma: Just one then. 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:54 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Some of you are going to keep trusting the system until your pronouns are was/were. 🙁
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:51 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Either someone’s smoking pot or it’s a skunk! Lmao 😂
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:49 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Forest Grump: And just like that, having classified documents was perfectly acceptable. 😆
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:47 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:44 Comments (0)  

   messageicon I’m all out of snacks. What else do people do for fun? 🤔
←Rate | 01-23-2023 02:40 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Marriage tip: Make sure your wife always accommodates to your needs. "Honey, when you finish using the bathroom, you need to put the toilet seat back up".
←Rate | 01-22-2023 09:58 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon I went to a store that sells classic record albums. The sign on the door said "All Sales Vinyl."
←Rate | 01-20-2023 10:36 Comments (0)  

   messageicon NO! I didn't fall on the floor! I attacked it with my wicked ninja skills! Aren't you jealous?
←Rate | 01-19-2023 19:21 by GaryKoenig Comments (0)  

   messageicon According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
←Rate | 01-19-2023 08:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
←Rate | 01-19-2023 08:55 Comments (0)  

   messageicon It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
←Rate | 01-19-2023 08:54 Comments (0)  

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