hiyourjon Funny Status Messages

   Old rich white men selecting strong young black men to work on their fields? I'm not sure about this NFL Draft thing...

   Sure, I'll attend your expensive pre-divorce ceremony

   When I was 6 my cousin stole my boomerang. The next day his parents died in a car crash. Andy, if you’re reading this, I want my boomerang.

   What the hell did we do while waiting at red lights before cell phones?

   Sometimes I just like to sit on the couch and do nothing for 3 years.

   You know it's a classy establishment when they quietly ask you to leave.

   There is no life on earth without water. Because without water, there is no beer. And without beer, I'll kill you all.

   I put the "semen" in "amusement park". And that is why I am no longer welcome at Six Flags.

   People are like snowflakes. I only like them on Christmas.

   Next time your at McDonald’s, point at the menu & say you’ll have a McSpaghetti w/ garlic bread. The look on cashiers face will be priceless

   My favorite hobby is to add my neighbors' wireless printer to my PC and print a document that says I'M INSIDE YOUR HOUSE AND COMING FOR YOU.

   Next time your at your friends house steal his remote control. Every so often drive by his house and change the channell on his TV.

   Maybe Tom Cruise isn’t gay and is just a really good actor.

   A frat house installs a retractible ceiling. “We just can't get enough Natural Light,” says its president. They hi-five for 6 straight hours

   "No thanks, I'm vegetarian" is a fun thing to say when someone tries to hand you their baby.

   On a scale from 1 to dyslexic, how 10 am I?

   It's like Batman didn't even care about crime in the cities surrounding Gotham.

   There are two rules for success.. 1. Never reveal everything you know

   The worst part about being stoned at work is realizing it's your day off.

   Pro tip: "Hold my drink" is not a proper response to "License and registration, please." ...... apparently.