Fazzy Funny Status Messages

   The Superbowl halftime show will go down in history as "The Vag Chronicles."

   The people in 1920 probably thought in 2020 we would have our own space ships and robots... but no. So far we've come up with two-sided tape and rubber bands shaped like animals.

   Hooters is not closing per se. It's going strictly delivery. It's changing its name to "Knockers"...

   I've resigned myself to the fact that if I start now, I'll have all my Christmas lights untangled and ready to go by December 24th.

   There will soon come a day when the only thing we'll use modern technology for is to reminisce about how good things were before modern technology.

   My goal for the remainder of the first half of 2020 is to get roughly 30 lbs lighter than the weight I lied about on my drivers license.

   I could be a farmer. Except for the dirt, waking up early, milking the cows, slopping the hogs, wearing overalls and planting crops. But I wouldn't mind driving a tractor around.

   My idea of surf and turf is salt water taffy served on Easter grass.

   The worst part about growing old is having to hang out with old people.

   I'm giving up organized religion for Lent.

   At what age do you stop needing deodorants and start smelling like mothballs? (Asking for a friend.)

   Media sensationalism is playing a role in the Coronavirus. Still, the virus is nothing to sneeze about. (See what I did there?)

   Daylight Saving Time arrives tomorrow. Gimme a break. Know what? I give it 8 months.

   This Coronavirus is putting me through Purell.

   Who's the most popular guy at the nudist camp? The one carrying two pots of coffee and a dozen donuts.

   Virus or no virus, cruises hold no appeal for me. It's akin to a 5 star house arrest that's centered around overeating, which I can do quite well in the comfort of my own home.

   I got an air fryer because it's healthier. Of course along with my air fried pork chops I had 5 lbs of mashed potatoes with a stick of butter and a Key Lime Pie for dessert.

   Some guy: "Bro, I got a limo for me and my friends! In your face!" Me: "Wow. You have 90 dollars."

   Has a 24 pack of Charmin Extra Soft. Willing to trade for a bottle of Imodium A-D.

   And just like that, people on Facebook went from being politicians to being epidemiologists.