Nobody Funny Status Messages

   When you upload photos to Facebook, I'd appreciate it if you tagged your hot friends. It makes stalking them much easier. Thank you.

   I wanna apologize for my behavior yesterday. I take allergy medicine and you're not suppose to mix it with 16 shots of tequila

   I only live for two reasons: 1. I was born 2. I ain't dead yet

   If at first you don't succeed, try drinking a shot of Vodka while you do it. You'll be amazed of how much less you care.

   I'd jump in front of a bus for you. As long as its not moving.

   If my door was closed when you came in, make sure its closed on your way out. Thank you!

   I am sick of women saying men can't multi task! I can tell my wife that her ass don't look fat in those jeans and keep a straight face at the same time.

   I'm moving to Antarctica, where there's no bullsh!t. Just penguins.

   Seen on a prison wall: "VIRGINITY - who says you can only lose it once?"

   Monday must be male. It always comes too fast.

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section to the comedy section.

   My friends and I used to get high on gas vapour, but we now just smoke crack, it's cheaper.

   Canadians watch US politics like Americans watch Jersey Shore.

   The only mystery in life is why the kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

   Smoking weed doesn't make you cool. It's what you do while you're high that does.

   Behind every successful status update there is : Ctrl+C & Ctrl+V

   Every so often I like to stick my head out the window and look up and smile for a satellite picture.

   My dad used to beat me with a camera. I still get flash backs.

   Never apologize for your greatness but more importantly, never over-exaggerate or fabricate your own greatness.

   I just never wanna get "make my own belt holes" fat.