Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife and I do this role play, where she tells me all the things that need to be fixed around the house and I pretend this is the first time I’m hearing about it. 😂

   Wife just told me that her birthday is tomorrow. Wow, like maybe more of a heads-up next time.

   When you want to help people, you tell the truth. When you want to help yourself, you tell them what they want to hear.

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   You’re not really supposed to do this, but this is what I do. Me: Training a new person at work.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   Hello, 911? The oldies station is playing the Backstreet Boys again.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   It’s safe to unplug your Christmas lights until next year.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   Cats are my favorite animal, because no matter where you fall on the food chain, a cat will smack the crap out of you.

   Oops, my bad. Thought I was dealing with an adult.