Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   Our power went down for nearly 4 hours. I got hungry, panicked and almost resorted to cannibalism. You guys are lucky the power came back on when it did, because some of you look delicious.

   CDC: Covid is more deadly when people are obese. Gov: “Close The Gyms!”

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   I’m like an avocado, I’m only pleasant for a short period of time and it’s up to you to figure out when that is.

   You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

   I’m busy right now, can I ignore you later?

   Keep rolling your eyes, you might find a brain.

   Don’t you hate it when you ask someone what time it is and they’re not wearing a watch, but they look at their wrist anyway and say, “it’s about a hair past a freckle.”

   If I yelled “Bingo!!” but refused to let you examine my card, would you give me the prize anyway?

   I would slap the crap out of you, but there would be nothing left.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.

   Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.

   Security at every level of the airport is insane, until you get to the baggage claim. Then it’s like, take whatever bag you want. 😂

   Trillion-dollar propaganda machine vs. people putting funny words on pictures.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol

   They said, “Californy is the place we gotta flee,” so they loaded up the truck and moved back to Tennessee.

   Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?