Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The biggest story this week, is the suppression of a story about the suppression of a story. That story is also suppressed, we’ll have less on the story later.

   If it’s out of your hands, then it deserves freedom from your mind too.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   Start each day with a positive thought like; “in 16 hours, I can go back to bed.”

   Life would be easier if we all had a video game health bar above our heads letting everyone know how close we are to a meltdown.

   My phone is always in my hand. So, if you think I’m ignoring you, I am.

   Do men still go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is ten to one, and they’re already looking for things they don’t need.

   My school taught square dancing in the 4th grade, because you never know when a hoedown will break out.

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.

   Your face makes onions cry.

   Please don’t ride with me if you’re going to grab the dash and scream every time I run off the road. It makes me nervous.

   This recipe calls for leftover bacon, and it might as well call for dragon tenderloin or bigfoot steaks.

   Grocery shopping is a constant battle between not buying snacks, so you won’t be tempted and being angry that there’s nothing to eat.

   Drivers ignoring winter conditions, may be subject to natural selection.

   “I want the truth!” Independent fact checkers, with the direction of the FBI, have concluded that you can’t handle the truth.

   Dads tell cheesy jokes not because humor gets worse with age, but because the more life experience you have, the more value you place on anything that might make someone laugh, even if it’s at your own expense.

   Just caught my pecker in my zipper. No more zip-up boots for me.

   Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, which is why I’m eating it again at 11:00am.

   Congratulations, everyone who heard what you just said had their IQ drop 90 points.

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.