Funny Status Messages

   I don't simply have problems like people often talk about. I just date or marry them.

   I'm glad cheese doesn't know what's about to happen to it when I show up.

   FYI I will be handing out 1 oz Bottles of "spirits" tonight to keep them kiddies warm

   Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.

   If it weren't for marriage,,, men would spend their lives thinking they had no faults at all.

   Me: "Can I put this sweatshirt in the dryer?"... Wife: "Well, what does it say on it?.Me: "Boston Bruins.".. Wife: "You're an idiot "..

   9 months before I was born, I went to a party with my Dad and left with my Mom.

   FREE HARLEY DAVIDSON; When you purchase a tee-shirt for $40.000

   GARDENING. Cheaper than therapy and ya get tomatos!

   You seem to have a good grip on reality. You're new here, aren't you?

   If it weren't for the idiotic media, idiots like the Kartrashians would cease to be dominating TV and printed press like they are today.

   I think I'll open a German delicatessen and call it "The Best of the Wurst."

   I think at my age the next tattoo will be more responsible like a dragon across my back but doing his taxes.

   To my stalker, while you're in my neighborhood, can you deliver me a pizza. . .

   I don't think marrying your best friend is such a good idea. Specially cause you're human and he's a dog.

   Kellogg's is considering taking "Rice" Krispies off the market....realizing the snap,crackle,POP ! has gone way too far ...

   just because you're paranoid, it doesn't mean they are not out to get you.

   I'm not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   I think that a lot of conflict that happened in the Wild West could've been avoided had architects in those days just made their towns big enough for everyone.