Funny Status Messages

   "Diamonds are forever. But so is herpes." This is why I never get hired to write advertising campaigns.

   "Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." George W. Bush

   I see Boomerangs are making a comeback

   I am anxious about how much Xanax I'm taking.

   Love is the irresistible desire to be irresistibly desired

   A bank is a place where they lend you an umbrella in fair weather and ask for it back when it begins to rain.

   Non-Smoker - I hate cigarettes...!Smoker - Me too , thats why I am burning it. ! !

   Being that we can't see the Bin Ladin Video... can we reroll the Bill an Monica video.

   s funny how I'm good at giving advice to others, but when it comes to helping myself, I don't know what to do

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher.

   You know, if I had a girlfriend, I'd be a lot happier. Does anyone have an extra one they don't need?

   Don't wear skinny jeans unless you have skinny genes. And two X chromosomes, Thank You

   Don't worry, one day you and everyone you know will be dead. Have a nice day! :)

   the worst part about volunteering at a multiple personality disorder meeting is the time it takes filling out all the name tags

   When I don't need it, I find it. When I need it, I can't find it.

   Seriously, what are you expecting to happen when you take nude photos of yourself? Especially when you are a dumba$$ whose password is "12345"

   I'm not going to apologize for it, cause the truth is I'd do it again.

   Dear Noah, We could have sworn you said the ark wasn't leaving till 5. Sincerely, Unicorns

   Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing a team sports jersey and cheering on her team. Other than a woman who's not wearing a jersey..

   I met a woman who told me she wanted to walk a mile in my shoes. I guess she liked them because that was three weeks ago and I haven't seen her since.