Funny Status Messages

   I can't believe this stupid fly just zoomed in my car before a long trip. Have fun living in Boston, stupid little fly

   The best way to make your kids understand the whole idea of paying taxes is by eating 30% of their ice cream

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   Fun fact: In Mountclair Ca. it's now illegal to cross the street while talking on a cell phone.

   Actually, officer, I prefer to think that weed smells like me.

   And then my moral compass passed out.

   How many people with ADHD does it take to change...... ooh butterfly

   My Boss Asked Me to Start The Presentation With a Joke. "I Attached My Payslip On the First Slide."

   28 inches. I used a tape measure between the sink and the dishwasher. However my son believes it is on the other side of the planet.

   In hell people take ALL of your tweets seriously

   Sometimes I just want to be taken seriously; other times I just want to be taken, seriously.

   I spend 95% of the time out of bed wishing I was back in bed

   Gave my son the "you live under my roof, you play by my rules" speech and my father's mustache immediately appeared on my face.

   We cannot have this discussion again. It's hard on the furniture.

   When I was little my parents told me I could be anything I wanted to be. Turns out they were identity thieves.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   Mrs. Huxtable is not gonna be pleased.

   Hi ho hi ho off to jail Bill goes

   There is no such thing as a stupid question except maybe 'Isn't about time you IRS guys audited my return?'