Funny Status Messages
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Me: *panic buying* [Later At Home] Wife: 20 can openers? Wtf? Me: I panicked 
I use the yellow colored emojis. My wife uses the flesh colored ones. Somehow we make things work.
ME: I’ll have an Irish Coffee BARTENDER: Sure thing *drops a potato into a regular coffee*
My ex-husband once gave me a book called Banish Your Belly, Butt, and Thighs, and the fact that he’s now Single, Bald, and Fat is one time the universe has come through for me.
Can’t wait to see what kind of grills these meth heads have on their avatars
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
Without hoarding I'm proud to say that I haven't used any toilet paper since the coronavirus started. Thank you Chipotle!
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
Whoever named the diaper did a lot better than whoever named sweatshirts.
Revenge is a dish best served eventually
It's a tough job being the family disappointment but I put in lots of overtime
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
Babies cry at night to prevent their parents from making another one.
Boss: You're fired Me: *turns in my gun and my badge* Boss: You're a waiter where did you get those
Just turned on the Sag awards to be disappointed it’s not about 70s porn stars....
The nice thing about being married is you finally know who the number one suspect in your murder case will be.
Love games although I hate scrabble, I hate scrabble so much I can't put it into words. Hate is a strong word... hated is stronger... worth more points.
Being older doesnt mean you have pearls of widsom but spurts of common sense.
You can have a salad on the side but just make sure your significant other salad nevers finds out
Some of my friends say I hang out with the wrong crowd. They say things like "Hey dude we are over here you don't even know those people" 