Funny Status Messages

   Live music can take me to another place. Like tonight the music was so bad I went to another place.

   I remember how proud my wife was when she taught our baby son how to walk and talk. Now that he's 5 she's trying to teach him to sit down and shut up.

   Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do

   It's not complicated....it's confusing & stressfull

   I ran a half marathon once. (Actually that's just what I tell people. It sounds better than saying I collapsed and almost died half-way through a Full Marathon.)

   Now Kim Kardashian asks Trump to pardon her drug dealing grandmother. There is indeed method to Kanye West's madness.

   I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.

   I just want to be rich enough to get away with 2 murders. 3 tops.

   Be careful if you are thinking of getting a rescue dog. My grandma got one and when she fell and couldn't get up. The rescue dog just sat there staring at her.

   Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.

   "Let me stick my straw in your juice box" - flirting is easy

   I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

   Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.

   I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.

   I seem to have discovered a new diet plan that appears to be really working for me that's called The Cost Of Food.

   If you get a full 8 hours of sleep do you die?

   Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!

   Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.

   Weather forecasters have identified yet another tropical depression in the Atlantic Region which could potentially grow into a mega storm of epic proportions. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has appropriately named it Common Core Math

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!