Funny Status Messages

   Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.

   It's almost noon and still nobody has peeled me a grape. Worst. Father's Day. Ever.

   If time is money Facebook owes me like...29 billion dollars...

   Bought a new boomerang today but I'm having trouble throwing away the old one.

   I wonder if Guinness has a world record for "number of times you've had the exact same argument".

   I look forward to paying off all my debt so I can get back to just being broke

   Flexible people are lucky, when they feel a lack of praise, they can bend over and kiss their own asses :P

   i keep arguing with myself.. sometimes I wish I would just shut up and mind my own business!

   Even if you live alone, deodorant is not a waste of good money! I'm just sayin'.

   going rabbit hunting

   why do they call them Booby traps when there are no Boobs invlolved?

   I never got the expression "complete idiot". Ermm....Is there an Incomplete version?

   Dear haters: "Thank you for reminding me that I'm everything that you can never be"

   My closest relationship is with my phone.

   sometimes I wanna smack the hell outta a cyclist with my mirror..

   It seems like in movies, when they want a female to look older, they just cut her hair.

   I just saw an advertisement for a singles site that read, “Meet sincere singles over 40”. Thank you, but no thank you, as I'm in search of a deceitful woman...again.....

   I should have a breathalyser attached to my Facebook account to stop me posting under the influence

   thinks that the phrase "home sweet home" was coined by the witch from Hansel and Gratel.

   Just think, the one for you is walking the earth right now! Probably in a zoo somewhere