Funny Status Messages

   I've been working out so much I'm losing my voice from telling people about it.

   We all spend our lives tiptoeing around trying not to say the wrong thing or offend anyone. So, I’ll be damned if I’m gonna do that h ere.

   Question, is the word buttcheeks all one word or should I spread them apart?

   If she asks you what you want for Father's Day. Tell her to take you off child support.

   [shark tank] me: I have an idea for ridiculously wide sunglasses.. shark 1: i'm out... shark 2: i'm out..... hammerhead shark: i'm listening

   If the leader of the free world has time to tweet, then you have time to return my texts.

   If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   I always give fat people wrong directions so they can get much needed exercise.

   Well ... Maybe if I renamed my package "Facebook" she might actually get on it

   I'm really not a "know it all"... For instance, up until recently, I thought cunnilingus was an Irish Airline.

   Donald Trump's hair saw its shadow. We have six more weeks of protesting

   1. Go to Starbucks. 2. Order coffee. 3 Tell them your name is Waldo. 4 Leave.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, What I ate on Fat Tuesday, Gave me Diabetes Type 2.

   Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

   CAPE CANAVERAL- Space Chimp boards a shuttle whose mission is to see if Pluto is still a thing. Too Much Monkey Business plays over the loudspeaker as he indicates that Earth should kiss his derriere.

   If you ever see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me...

   Amber Alert, but for the TV remote

   HEALTH TIP: If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, Google it before taking it.

   Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.