Funny Status Messages

   BREAKING NEWS! Sad story, Justin Bieber's body has been found alive in his NYC apartment. A moment of silence please for the music industry .

   So apparently sex burns off the same number of calories as running 5 miles. Who the hell can run 5 miles in 30 seconds?

   Most of my verbal communication is just burps and grunts.

   At no point in "I love you no matter what you look like" did I insinuate "keep eating pie for breakfast."

   i don't get why people find drunk texts annoying, you're the person they're thinking of when their brain can't even function properly

   What if the Malaysian Plane is in the same place with the G-Spot?

   I'm more P0rnhub than Pinterest.

   "Thank you Caitlin!" --Josh Duggar

   Sober me:"I'll have a salad, please." Drunk me:"I need 3 cheeseburgers, 4 orders of fries, 75 chicken nuggets and 82 sides of ranch."

   And then the devil said, "Just tell her to calm down."

   "Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi

   Malaysian Airlines will only be selling one way tickets from now on.....

   You haven't truly won an argument until the other person says "whatever."

   The only thing more pussified than a joint FB account is renewing your wedding vows...

   It's hilarious to see really ugly people with cute little kids. You know god is just bluffing. They'll get ugly eventually.

   #DontTextandDrive cause your "LOL" can turn into an "R.I.P"

   used to live in the real world but he got evicted

   So sick of hearing about Paula dean and gay rights and blah blah.. Let everyone live their life and be happy

   Nobody gives a about how amazing your relationship is. You're on Facebook. It can't be that good.

   I went to a club and they played “The Twist”, I did the twist. They played “Jump”, I jumped. They played “Come on Eileen”…well, I got kicked out for that one.