Funny Status Messages

   The female praying mantis devours the male within minutes after mating, whilst the female human prefers to stretch it out over a lifetime.

   You make me want to be a better class of psycho.

   Hey Peyton eat a Snickers! Why? Because you play like Tony Romo when you are hungry.

   When speaking to me please use the words "basically" "actually" and "literally" or basically, I actually will literally not understand you.

   Anyone know how many calories you burn an hour scrolling on Facebook?

   Now that Bruce Jenner is a woman does that make him a horrible driver ?

   I'm just looking for a little love and financial domination. Is that too much to ask?

   I'm looking for any of you who may have a Selfie Stick. Please let me know if you have one, I'm asking so I know who to delete.

   I'm starting to wish I were a werewolf so I'd have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.

   Patrick on Facebook is complaining about how he hates the word "moist." He thinks it's "so gross." I'm willing to bet that Patrick also doesn't like pu$$y and is still a virgin.

   I forgot to pay my bill to the exorcist and so I got re-possesed.

   Voting for Hillary because you don't like Trump, is like eating a dog turd because you don't like broccoli....

   Hillary Clinton was Diagnosed on Friday with Highly Contagious Bacterial Pneumonia and has been out in public all weekend! Is there something about the words "Highly Contagious" that she and her "Doctors" don't understand? Well that's ObamaCare For ya!

   I thought about buying Hillary Clinton's latest book until Amazon suggested that people who bought this item also bought boots, plastic sheeting, lye, and shovels

   I almost got raped in jail once. My family takes Monopoly way too seriously.

   The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.

   6 year old: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that? 6 year old: Chick-fil-A

   Pfizer: our vaccine is 90% effective Moderna: our vaccine is 95% effective Pfizer: sorry, I meant ours is 95%. That’s what I meant to say Moderna: ours is 195% Oxford: ours can fold fitted sheets

   Aman ; I couldn't find the thing that peels the carrots & potatoes, so I asked the kids if they had seen it .... apparently, she left me yesterday.

   Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?