Funny Status Messages

   Not all women are crazy. Some are dead.

   This is how my week goes: Mooooooooooooonday Tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday Weeeeeeeeeeednesday Thuuuuuuuuuuursday FriSatSun.

   Random Fact: Girls don't CARRY condoms in their wallets like men do... Instead, they HIDE them under the powder in their compacts. "LIKE" if you know this to be true.

   I celebrate Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invite everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we have an enormous feast, and then I kill them and take their land.

   Did a book report on facebook and passed.

   Call me Goofy...But I will always call "Margarine" "Butter"!!!

   Trust gets you killed. Love gets you hurt. Being real gets you hated.

   Easter: The day Jesus slapped YOLO in the face.

   Rosie O'Donnell called Donald Trump "mentally unstable." Gee, Rosie. Has one of his children ever run away because of *his* mental instability?

   Just because someone is "woke, it doesn't mean they're sentient.

   Coffee so black the police plant evidence on it.

   Pays bills....... *Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity

   I wonder if Dr. Huxtable wrote his own prescriptions for roofies?

   A lot of people look up to me.....it's nice being tall.

   My Korean mate was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner........But someone let the cat out of the bag

   Ok my Guardian Angel, if you're out there, and if you're listening.. Please listen to this one: "I want to keep her, for life"

   wondering if its cool in China to get English words tattooed on their arms?

   Sometimes I fear that my entire life is a mockumentary

   If your not going to remove that deer carcass from the side of the road can you at least turn his head so hes not looking at me while I drive by drinking my morning coffee!

   I remember when I first met her, she was all quiet, shy, innocent and reserved. But now...lets just say, I created a monster.