Funny Status Messages

   Trusting Bill Gates with your health is like trusting Jeffrey Epstein with your daughter.

   This girl came up to me today and said she recognized me from the Vegetarian Club. I was a bit confused, seeing how I'd never met herbivore.

   Wife: Do you want something for dinner?,, Me: What are my choices?,,, Wife: Yes or No.

   I got my drug dealer $200 for Christmas and he got me a big bag of weed.

   ♫♪ It's a quarter after one; I'm a little drunk and I need you now....♪♫ Sounds just a tad better than it's 1:15, I'm Trashed & Horny let's get busy...

   thought "John & Kate Plus 8" sounded like a porno-- Now, definitely, "Kate Plus 8" really sounds like one.

   used to play sports. Then he realized you can buy trophies. Now he's good at everything.

   I caught my daughter playing with the power outlet. She gave herself quite a shock. I had to ground her.

   African mother to her child: "You better be happy you're that skinny, there's fat kids in America that wish they were as skinny as you!"

   That spicy tuna roll I ate last night gave me HOTHOLE

   "The question before the human race is, whether the God of nature shall govern the world by his own laws, or whether priests and kings shall rule it by fictitious miracles."

   on a scale of 1 to justin bieber , how gay are you?

   Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.

   When a pizza guy comes to my door, I like to answer wearing the same uniform as him and holding a pizza, and then insist that he called me.

   I’m starting to think plates are called china because most of them look the same.

   I love you like white folks love their pet dogs.

   I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. "Alright, get in the basket"

   What's the difference between "no!, no!, not my ass!" and "mmm, mmm,mmm, mmm, mm"? Duct tape.

   Foxtrot Uniform Charlie Kilo Juliette Oscar Echo Bravo India Delta Echo November.

   You win some, you loose some, but it's all good if you get some :)