Funny Status Messages

   I don't know what's more awkward, Answering Dora, Or sitting there in total silence while she stares at you..

   It's not embarrassing that you're still writing 2014 on your checks... What you should be ashamed of, is that you still write checks.

   Confucius say: Woman who keep husband in doghouse soon find him in cathouse.

   Don't worry about the bullet that has your name on it. Worry about the one that says "To Whom it May Concern."

   The first rule of Women's fight club is don't tell anyone what you're mad about or why you're fighting

   Why "Trojan" condoms? Didn't the Trojan horse burst open & thousands of little guys poured out? Less than stellar marketing.

   If your face doesn't look like a glazed donut ..your doing it wrong.

   Any time that I see someone wearing crocs, I assume they lost a bet.

   The difference between love and lust is one letter: hotel vs. motel

   FYI: A ton of people is only like ten or fifteen people.... or 5 Wal-mart customers

   Take it easy this Black Friday, (try not to trample anyone to death) because it isn't supposed to look like a riot you idiots... Shop online like a real modern American!

   I got in touch with my inner self today. That's the last time I buy single-ply toilet paper at the Dollar Store.

   True story: one time I said "excuse me" to my own reflection into a glass door headed back into the bar

   Crap. Got another Canadian quarter in change. But I’m a clever one; now it’s the Salvation Army’s problem.

   Of course I'm out of my mind. It's dark and scary in there.

   how mad will you be when you find out all the herbs and spices in kfc is just salt

   Beep...Beep...Beep....Would it be too much to ask for a smoke alarm to warn me of a low battery when the sun is actually up?! Beep...Beep...Beep....

   ..i thought it was sweet of my boss to gather us all together and warn us of the massive amounts of snow expected overnight and to drive carefully... then also warn us to "show up to work tomorrow or else". Aww they really DO care!

   People say I have an attitude problem. I disagree. It's my attitude, but it's their problem!!!

   My Nan has found a lump in each of her breasts. Turns out it was just her knees.