Funny Status Messages

   It's that time of year we need a Frozen Margarita truck. . .

   Walk of shame? If I can still walk, the shame is yours.

   If you're wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don't google 'old man bond age'

   Kim Kardashian attacked at the Paris Fashion Show, but unfortunately it wasn't by ISIS.

   Can’t believe I grew up for this.

   She died doing what she loved......bringing up old sh*t.

   Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.

   About to try ordering subway without saying um... Wish me luck!

   Remember Snooki? Yeah me neither, it's like she disappeared! That's because she went back to her real name, Danny Devito... 😂

   Boss makes a Dollar, I make a dime, that's why I poop on company time

   when did we replace the word “said” with “was like”

   You know it was a good christmas party when the next morning you wake up with tinsel in your ass.

   [Me to the 2nd baseman after I slide into base]... Make sure you separate plastics & food waste... [Coach from dugout] NO YOU IDIOT,,, NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK

   I don't have tattoos for the same reason I don't have children -- I'm afraid if someone tells me they're ugly, I won't want them anymore.

   So let me get this straight. Hot dogs are the new cancer sticks?

   Why can't all cable and satellite companies put the tv stations on the same damn channel??

   Even Vince McMahon thinks nascar races are fake...

   Funerals are so depressing, when I die I want to be fed to a shark or something cool.

   I still stand by my "always judge a man by his neck tattoos" theory.

   FACT: Candy corn is made out of melted down traffic cones.