Funny Status Messages

   Why is it called ''beauty sleep'' when you wake up looking like a troll??

   I had so much no sex last night.

   I think Ceelo Green released the Ray Rice tape

   in my opinion, a camel's back seems like a very inefficient way to transport straws,,, but I might be a bit biased here.

   So apparently the numbers on the toaster are minutes? I thought for years it was degree of toasty-ness.

   Remember when you had an appointment and got to leave during the middle of school, it was so triumphant like "Haha bye you f*ckers, I'm going to get my teeth cleaned and then eat McDonalds. Where you at?!?!"...

   Females are simple bro: With them, Yes means Yes, & No means Yes, & No means No, & No means Maybe, but Maybe means Yes, and Maybe means No.....

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   Subway: Satisfy your Valentine with a footlong.

   You know you're getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.

   10 year olds these days running around with their iPhones... When I was 10, I was listening to Aqua on my Walkman while struggling to keep my 2 tamagotchis alive. The struggle was so real!

   I think fire safety courses should require having to do the Safety Dance.

   Does anyone else clean their phone on their boob or is that just me?

   I'm beginning to think my type is just a font. . .

   When you say, "Friends With Benefits"....I assume you own a liquor store.

   There's so many pictures of trump thrusting an index finger at me in my timeline, I'm starting to feel violated and a little horny.

   Just read that serial killer Jeffrey Dahmer's house is for sale and no one is interested. I get it though, no one wants to live in Ohio.

   After watching copious amounts of crime dramas I've come to the conclusion that serial killers only target women who wear matching bra and pantie sets. Feeling much safer now.

   When you're in the shower, you hear loud thumps and you think "they're killing my family, now I'll have to fight the attacker naked..."

   Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool. I gave him a glass of water.