Funny Status Messages

   Rappers always talk about robbing people in their songs, dats why I download all their songs for free. Payback!!

   My mom always said to make sure I had clean underwear in case I was in a car accident and that's why I keep that thong in the glove box, honey.

   Being lonely, I don't sit at reserved tables. I like the furniture to be friendly and outgoing.

   Don't talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.

   I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.

   Thought I had a political tweet but it ended up being gas

   Some of the happiest years of a woman's life are when she's 29.

   R.I.P to any guy that ever cheats on Ronda Rousey

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   Some people say Donald Trump is a fascist. There is nothing more fascist than shutting down someone's ideas. Think about that for a second....

   I'm disgusted when I see some old guy with a younger woman. Or a younger guy with a younger woman. Just couples. Or groups. Any person.

   I tested positive for Facebook.

   I just went to the sperm bank but I left. Too many jerkoffs.

   When bad things happen to good people, I usually try to take a picture with my phone.

   NBC poll finds half the voters want Trump impeached. You mean the half that didn't vote for him?? Shocking...

   if Trump can't keep people from climbing his tower, how is he going to keep them from climbing his wall?

   Coming to theaters on January 20, 2021: "Hey! Where's All My Free Stuff?" Tickets: $70. Popcorn: $55. Coke or Sprite: $40.

   Sometimes I look at my friends and think to myself, "Where did I meet these crazy people?" But then I think "What would I do without them?"

   I organized a 3 some last night. There were a couple of no shows but I still had a good time.

   I sometimes choke on my food just so someone will hold me.