Funny Status Messages
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BREAKING: Penn State to keep Paterno statue, but plan to move it into the showers....Or something like that? 
I'll et the same underage 14yr old Chinese worker who made the United States Olympic uniforms is the same 14yr old that beats us to win the Gold Medal in Gymnastics!!!
Dude, she has a Boyfriend! So, soccer has a goalie doesn't mean you can't still score!
The Care Bears taught me so much growing up... no not the emotional crap. They taught me it was OK to stare.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
On the bright side, my coffee will never get cold in hell.
i don't have a bucket list.. but my F$cket list is a mile long
Lincoln mentioned? check...Reagan mentioned? Check. CRAP!! if Obama or Romney would of would of mentioned "Tebow" I would of had bingo on my card!
Why isn't Hungary's capital city called "Very"
That's right sexy fella, I see you over there, looking at me, locking eyes with me, pointing at me, whispering to the policeman "that's her"......
I don't steal my p osts from song lyrics! Seriously. Y'all gon' make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here.
"This is America. We don't stop doing something 'cause it's wrong. We just keep doing it til it's right." - Ed Wuncler (The Boondocks)
clearly, it is wrong to describe woman's menopause as "the old Fallopian tubes finally rusting shut." My bad.
Now would be the best time for the Pope to make a Harlem Shake Video!
Yesterday I had the day off, which means that today I feel more useless than the 'g' in Lasagne.
It's kinda sad that I'm 46 and I still need to say "righty tighty,, lefty loosey" when I fix things.
You say alcohol abuse, I say this alcohol is getting exactly what it deserves.
Running away does not help you with your problems, unless you are fat.
A waffle house is like a gas station bathroom that serves waffles.
Define birthday :-the only day in your life.....when your mother smiled when you cried. 