Funny Status Messages

   if I had a kid that was a Belieber I'd lock them in a room with the White Album playing until they snapped out of it

   Blind people would be a lot more exciting if they carried around swords.

   What people think of your problems: 80% don't care, 20% are glad you have them.

   I used to think a sex change is what a hooker gives you back when you pay using a 100 dollar bill.

   I asked my wife for advice once. Worst three days of my life.

   Do these empty pockets make me look slim?

   he songs I like always come on when I'm supposed to be getting out of my car.

   People who say "don't touch me" always get touched.

   You do not have to understand my silence but don't you dare criticize it.

   Hi there beautiful, can I drive you to drink?

   I'm afraid your bio is writing checks that your profile pics can't cash.

   Sometimes dating somebody means help raise their self-esteem to the point where they know they can date someone better than you.

   I find the people who complain constantly about people around them being fake n scandalous are usually the most fake and scandalous ones around.

   The day you start looking forward to being abused in the nursing home is the day you realize your life sucks

   People are so rude to each other nowadays, that when one is nice and polite, it's considered a marriage proposal.

   If naps had a taste, I bet they'd be so delicious.

   Today, people that say "liberry" ,"Jewelerry","supposably" and the Incredible"Hawk", get to celebrate "Valentimes" Day.

   Instead of drinking beer today I'm drinking wine, because I have a cold and wine has vitamin C.

   I'm not ashamed of my vices. They're good friends actually. They bring great joy!

   For a rock only found in a planet that was destroyed, Superman must wonder where all his enemies keep finding kryptonite