Funny Status Messages

   Did you know that if you hit someone in the rear that you are at automatic fault? If you honk your horn .01 seconds after the light turns green, then I hope you can back up faster than I can.

   Im gonna hang out with everyone who likes this status today

   The Home Alone house is up for sale for 2.4 mil. I'd pay 2.5 (if I had it) just so I could say, "Keep the change you filthy animal."

   My ex girlfriend felt the same way about anal, as she did about eating at McDonald's... If she was drunk enough, she would do it.

   My Girlfriend said I need to be more affectionate... Now I have 2 Girlfriends!

   If Obama was so great, why do you need Bernie or Hillary to fix things?

   Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors

   Which nipple does the red jumper cable go on?

   Due to solar radiation the American flag planted on the moon is now faded completely to white. Great, now it looks like the French landed there...

   The Ku Klux Klan. Worth joining just to find out the name of the laundry powder they use.

   An atheist, vegan, and a cross fitter walk into a bar. I only know because they told everyone within 2 minutes....

   Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.

   People ask me... Why do you keep your wallet in your front pocket? I say... I like walking towards money not away from it.

   Sex is the best activity in the world...whoever disagrees needs to get some.

   trying to figure out how to set my laser printer to stun

   loving that 170 lbs I lost when you left.. not only do I look better.. I dont have your extra weight to carry around!

   wants to remind you that only dead fish go with the flow

   pleased that Mr T has spoken out about the whole BP shemozzle. He said, "I pity the fuel".

   How can this census data be relevant when it doesn't ask whether I have a Palm Pre or an iPhone?

   Hell hath no fury like a women with a nine iron.