Funny Status Messages

   Buy 3 items and get a 9 foot long receipt. That’s the CVS promise.

   Just got into a conversation with a crazy person. Do you guys know what a crazy person will never say? -- "Well I've got to go."

   Remember safety first.... Reach, Throw, Row, Go......Only you can rescue someone who may have stepped off into a pothole!

   I'm so glad to be done with my running around town for the day, and away from the crowded bumping, pushing, honking, cussing, yelling holiday spirit during this most wonderful time of the year.

    "I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder

   Pro Tip: If a girl asks you about your plans, there's a good chance she wants to be apart of them.

   The best way to live a miserable life is to pay attention to what other people are saying about you.

   nothing too see here, move along.

   I oppose deporting Justin Bieber for his crimes. This is America, after all. We have the death penalty.

   Ride me like the pony you never got.

   Some days I feel about as useful as the pants in Donald Duck's closet.

   And the Oscar goes to Cheek implants and Botox...

   I Don't know if I've got some free time,or if I just forgot what the hell i'm supposed to be doing ..

   I may have found my coffee limit. I'm sitting on my hands to stop them from shaking. Related- I no longer need batteries.

   She's replying to all my text messages fairly quickly, I guess you can say things are getting pretty serious.

   What are they going to do now if they ever do a reboot of the Dukes of Hazzard?

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   Just once I'd like a man to approach me at a bar and say 'come with me if you want to live'.

   I don't like to make plans too far in advance because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

   Some idiot posted spoilers and totally ruined my Alvin & The Chipmunks: The Road Chip experience