Funny Status Messages
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Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor? Me: Yes, but I don't have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points. 
I need everyone to reach into the bottoms of your hearts and send me all your love, good vibes and support at this time. Oh and don't worry nothing's wrong, In fact everything is going great! and just figure why wait to ask until things go wrong.
wife: I want you- me: [takes off clothes] wife: -to do the laundry me: [puts them in washer]
I like it when I'm accidentally a genius.
Listen here, Life isn't measured by how many likes we get, but rather the moments that take our likes away
I want a version of Baywatch with only fat people in it.
I almost took a girl out once. BOY . . . did I dodge a bullet.
Her dad never liked me, and fortunately, his aim was off!
I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
If I ever go missing, please don't look for me.
When I was in our laundry room today, I saw that our ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
If someone wants to know how to play the piano but can't, does that mean they have pianist envy?
I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.
What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?
There is a thin line between hating a person’s behavior with hating the actual person.
I should do laundry naked so all my clothes could be clean at the same time.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas. ME: {drinking toast} Why?
People who say "This is the final straw!" You know you can always go to McDonald's and steal some more right?
"Wonder why no one came to the kamikaze pilot's reunion dinner."
There's a Father Nature, too, but all he's responsible for is the temperature. 