Funny Status Messages

   Orgy was going well until I realized it was an intervention

   Bought $90 worth of groceries and checker wanted to know if I needed a bag:( No, I'll just eat them here, thanks!

   Today is the 25th birthday of the World Wide Web. What the hell did people do 26 years ago??

   My bologna had a first name, but his adoptive parents changed it. If you're reading this, Oscar, just know: not a day goes by I don't think of you.

   What idiot called him Steve Jobs instead of Mac Daddy

   I don't know if they give awards for commercials, but that ad with Kate Upton riding a horse should win all of them.

   There have been more sharknadoes under President Obama than any other President...

   Seriously, who the hell goes to North Korea and expect to have a good time there?

   Once upon a time a man was told to go f#ck himself and he lived happily everafter. . .

   Grandkids are basically puppies for old people.

   Can't help but laugh at you when you have confederate flag on the back of your honda with a Connecticut license plate.

   Sex is like Chinese food. 2 hours later, you want more.,

   Hooters needs to change its logo, all these years I thought I was eating owl wings.

   Few women admit their age; few men act it.....

   Warning: going to sleep on Sunday will cause Monday. Please note that staying awake all night does not prevent Monday. There is no cure.

   I don't understand the concept of a Freudian slip. It doesn't make any sex to me at all.

   waiting for everyone else to post their birthday message on my buddy's wall so I can cut and paste the one I like best.

   Note to self: stop buying stuff on Ebay when drunk. Anyone need a zamboni?

   Well someone has to be sober.......NOT IT!

   Don't knock the weather. If it didn't change once in awhile,nine out of ten people would have nothing to talk about.