Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you water your lawn and wash your car in the rain, smiling and waving as you do it, your neighbors will leave you alone.

   I predict Peppermint Patty invites herself and her friends over to Charlie Brown's for Thanksgiving again this year

   It takes police too long to respond to 911 calls. If I get robbed I'm ordering Chinese food and asking them to bring a gun.

   Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.

   I tried cooking with wine for the first time last night ...After 5 glasses I forgot why I was in the kitchen.

   Democracy is when 2 wolves and a sheep meet to decide who is for dinner. Liberty is when the sheep has a gun.

   I puked in the backseat of my friend's brand new Mustang in the Fall of 1989. There wasn't any social networking back then, so I'm telling you now...

   Even Joe Biden said stricter laws won't stop the problem. If they can't enforce the laws already on the books what makes them think they can enforce these?

   Since this is an "S" storm, I think they should have named it Hurricane Snookie since it will be slamming and blowing the entire Jersey Shore

   Everyone always makes fun of my man purse until I bust out a bottle of wine, a bag of weed, a bong, milk, cookies and a cheese platter.

   A baby's laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear. Unless it's 3am. And you're home alone. And you don't have a baby

   When cats and dogs finally rise up against us, the first thing they'll do is strap Santa hats to our heads and take pictures.

   is just me or do buffalo wings taste a lot like chicken?

   Mark Zuckerberg got married today. His new wife set her relationship status to "CHA-CHING!!"

   It is amazing how quickly the kids learn to drive a car, yet are unable to understand the lawnmower, or vacuum cleaner.

   It's not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.

   Today's Forecast: Mostly Grumpy with a 60% chance of Grouchy. High of Mean/Low of Nasty. A Temper Tantrum warning is in effect. Take immediate shelter!

   not sure which pants to wear today... smarty or fancy.

   cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool

   So wait, if I post a letter without a stamp and just put the intended address as the return address, won't it be sent there anyway?