Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You're not yourself today... I noticed the improvement immediately!!

   Can't wait 'til I'm old enough to pretend I can't hear.

   hates it when he asks someone a question and they start their answer with "Honestly?"......No! Please lie to me, that's what I was hoping for.....idiots!

   it safe to say the guys who drive the little 4 cylinders with the loud ass coffee can muffler also have a tiny weenie?

   The voices in my head have been quite for a while. They probably broke something.

   I received their wedding invitation on Facebook, so I sent them a gift from Farmville....figured it was appropriate.

   The only thing my girlfriend blows is everything out of proportion.

   I'm thinking about buying an exercise bike, my treadmill works fine for laying my pants on, but it won't accommodate hanging shirts on hangers.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   You had me at hello...oh you weren't talking to me.

   FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".

   I love Halloween because it's the only night of the year I may end up getting drunk with Batman and going home with a cheerleader.

   The only people mad at you for speaking the TRUTH are the ones living a LIE.

   You'll know I'm your "Secret Santa" when you dont get anything!

   Now it's too hot to take down the outdoor Christmas lights.

   : Everytime I hear the dirty word "excercise", I wash my mouth with chocolate.....

   The number one thing I learned on xbox live is, a lot of 12 year olds have slept with my mom.

   wonders how I can remember lyrics to a song I haven't heard since 1986. But can't, even for a million bucks; remember why I'm just standing in the middle of the kitchen

   Justin Bieber has grown a mustache. His transformation into a teenage mexican girl is now complete.

   discovered that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters. Here we go again, here's 2 dressed as policemen.....