Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
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Places finger on cop’s lips ~ “Shhh…. We were both speeding, okay? I forgive you.”
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01-06-2023 18:28
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When you’re tired of your cat showing you it’s butthole so you show it yours.
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01-06-2023 02:08
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Everyone I know is a “snack getting stuck in a vending machine” away from total collapse.
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01-08-2023 17:23
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When today’s safety meeting is about what you did yesterday.
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06-30-2022 01:06
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When a man says he’ll do anything for a woman, he means fight bad guys and slay dragons, not dishes and vacuuming.
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01-12-2023 00:25
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Once you carry your own water, you’ll learn the value of every single drop.
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01-06-2023 19:43
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Moved the thermostat up one degree this morning as a little treat for the family.
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01-10-2023 01:36
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Quiz question: Would you rather be stuck on an island all alone or with someone you hate, and why? Answer: I would rather be stuck on an island with someone I hate, so I would have something to eat.
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01-08-2023 17:25
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Most folks keep their trap shut when they’ve nothing interesting to say. Not you, your flipper flaps like the national deficit.
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01-23-2023 03:41
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A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.
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06-28-2022 23:42
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Stop bringing crappy Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came out into the woods to hear Katy Perry.
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04-17-2022 00:55
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That moment when you miss one step on the stairs, and you think you’re about to die.
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01-12-2023 01:14
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Man, it sucks having no kids. All I do is whatever I want, all the time.
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01-07-2023 13:34
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Using your turn signal is not “giving information to the enemy.”
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01-12-2023 00:22
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Counting to ten only makes it premeditated.
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01-10-2023 01:53
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There are two kinds of people: Those who do whatever they’re told, no matter what. And, people who will do what is right, no matter what they are told. 😉
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01-23-2023 03:09
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I’m going to need some of you guys to start getting weirder, I cannot keep pulling all the weight like this. 😏
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01-23-2023 02:44
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If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Happiness comes from food, not relationships.
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04-11-2022 02:13
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Alien: I found this, (picks up cat) it’s vibrating.
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04-22-2022 00:17
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When you see your-self as Robin Hood, Prince of Jokes. Stealing from group to feed another, spreading joy across the land.
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01-08-2023 15:25
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