Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Old computer games couldn’t be won, they just got harder and faster until you died. Just like in real life.

   An elderly woman was walking her dog when a young man grabbed her purse and ran away. I asked if she was okay. She said, “it’s no big deal really, I only carry that old purse to put my dog’s poop in it.”

   You’re the reason God created the middle finger.

   Her: Undress me with your words. Him: There’s a spider in your bra.

   When your fart smells like death and you’re waiting for your friend to smell it.

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   My kidnapers returned me after listening to me talk about conspiracy theories that were true, for two hours straight.

   IKEA needs to provide better descriptions on their furniture like, what is the divorce rate on assembling this 8-drawer dresser.

   Friend 1: I do yoga 5 days a week. Friend 2: I plan vegan meals a week in advance. Me: I eat cake over the sink, so I don’t get crumbs in my bed.

   The IRS: “Oh yeah, you can milk anything with nipples.”

   Be wary of half-truths, you may get the wrong half.

   Shuts down laptop: I think that’s enough internet for today. Picks up phone: Let’s see what the pocket-sized internet is doing.

   When they can’t control or manipulate you, they smear you. 😔

   I carry a whistle at the grocery store, in case someone tries to violate the sanctity of the 15 items or less lane.

   Zuckerberg is responsible for my multiple profile disorder.

   Tried being normal once, it was the most boring ten minutes of my life.

   To all 6 of you who like my posts, I do it all for you.

   The urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

   Her: You haven’t listened to a single word I’ve said. Him: That’s a weird way to start a conversation.