Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I should be ashamed of my behavior, but to be clear, I am not.

   Life’s greatest tragedy is that we grow old too soon, and wise too late.

   I’m in BIG trouble if people find out I don’t really have Tourette’s.

   If your voice held no power, they wouldn’t try to silence you.

   Deleting history has become more important than making it.

   T-Rex shares gender reveal party with friends, Yucatan Peninsula 66 million years ago.

   Some of you have never heard the story of the “Little Engine that Could,” and it shows.

   When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife.

   When you go into court you are putting your fate into the hands of twelve people who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.

   Originality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it.

   The Girl Scouts are just a cookie company that gets away with child labor.

   I could really go for a pinata right about now. I’d love to beat the crap out of something and then have some candy.

   Cinderella must have had some strange feet if her slipper didn’t fit anyone else in town.

   Always be nice to people that have access to your toothbrush.

   When she’s using her man’s phone to check the weather and wind blows her into his inbox.

   In France you don’t say “I miss you.” You say, “Tu me manques,” which means “you are missing from me.” I love that.

   The bird flu? I hope so.

   The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years without a brain is good news for you.

   The best zoom calls are the ones where a pet makes a cameo like Stan Lee in one of the Marvel movies.

   To suppress free speech is a double wrong. It violates the rights of hearer as well as those of the speaker.