Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 2 of 6358

My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.
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01-09-2023 03:08
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In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.
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01-19-2023 02:05
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Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
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01-19-2023 02:22
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The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.
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05-18-2022 21:14
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My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.
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01-06-2023 01:02
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My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.
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01-08-2023 01:07
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Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?
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01-09-2023 03:18
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Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.
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01-09-2023 03:40
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Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.
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01-09-2023 03:32
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May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.
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01-04-2023 02:43
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I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00
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01-08-2023 01:35
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According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.
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01-04-2023 02:41
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I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
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01-19-2023 04:05
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You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.
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01-10-2023 02:42
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The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.
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01-06-2023 17:52
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I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?
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01-04-2023 02:37
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The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.
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01-04-2023 02:44
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An empty browser history says more than a full one.
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06-03-2022 02:53
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The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.
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01-04-2023 02:42
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When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.
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01-08-2023 14:50
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