Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My favorite queso is the one you keep around for emergencies, just in queso.

   In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant and filled with darkness.

   Tommy Lee Jones ~ always has a look on his face, like his son just told him that he wants to ride unicycles professionally.

   The biggest joke on mankind is that computers have now started asking humans to prove they are not a robot.

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   My fitness trainer asked what kind of squats I’m accustomed to doing. I said, Diddly.

   Humans: Dear God, please let 2023 be a good one…. God: You guys are still alive?

   Someone should’ve tried domesticating bears 10,000 years ago. We really missed the mark with that one. Could be cuddled up with a bear right about now, but whatever.

   Nothing is permanent in this world, not even our troubles.

   May life treat you the way you treat waiters and animals.

   I like staying home, because as soon as I step outside, I spend $100.00

   According to my chocolate calendar, there are only three days left until Valentine’s Day.

   I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?

   You can put whatever you want on a “to do” list, there are no rules. I put wake up and drink coffee on mine. Already knocked two things off my list and it’s not even lunch time yet. God, I’m good.

   The older I get, the less life in prison is a deterrent.

   I don’t understand why people buy wipes for eyeglasses. I’m confused. Wait, hold up. How many of you just use your shirttail like a real person?

   The ghosts from A Christmas Carol are the scariest, because they show you what people are saying about you behind your back.

   An empty browser history says more than a full one.

   The hot water bottle I bought the other day doesn’t work. I put water in it like two hours ago and it still isn’t hot.

   When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar, you’re telling the world you fear what he might say.