Funny Status Messages

   Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who's not interested.

   Here's a FedEx joke - actually, you'll get it tomorrow....

   Remember folks...the left wing and the right wing are all part of the same bird!

   Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.

   If I know 1 thing about the speed of light, it gets here to early in the morning.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   Just when I thought I'd never get the chance to hear a Presidential candidate say "schlong"..

   Texting my wife when we were dating – What are you wearing? Texting my wife now – Did the dog poop?

   Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.

   I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit score went up 12 points.

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   This is Jane. Jane is in a relationship. Jane doesn't post on Facebook about how much she loves her partner. She does this in person. She doesn't mention every little significant thing they do. Janes knows nobody gives a damn. Jane is smart. Be like Jane.

   Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.

   I'm sorry, but I just don't understand this support of Crony Capitalism, growing Governmental Corruption and selling out this nations sovereignty to the new Globalist Governmental System. Am I missing something here?

   If you get a loan at the bank you’ll be paying it back for 30 years. If you rob a bank it’ll be 10 years. Follow me for more financial advice.

   I have electile dysfunction. I’m not aroused by any of the candidates

   I just had a woman use a pickup line on me that made me want to marry her. She ran her fingers across my beard and said “Is this seat taken?”

   two babies starting a true crime podcast about who got their nose

   We need a reality show where Flat-Earthers attempt to find the edge of the planet.

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O