Funny Status Messages

   Last night, I watched a documentary on marijuana. Let me say this... if you're gonna watch a documentary, that's the best way to do it.

   I eat a banana like corn on the cob so no one gets the wrong idea.

   I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village's water. Didn't go down well.

   FUN FACT: If you take all of the marshmellows out of a box of Lucky Chrams, you'll have a bag of Purina Cat Chow

   I'm awake. Please respect my privacy during this difficult time...

   Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.

   Dude just told me that he's washing his hands more because of that "Coca-Cola virus."

   25 days on lock down and I feel lazier than the guy who created the Japanese flag

   I’ll like to brag that after 12 Years of marriage, I still have sex with my wife almost every day! Almost on Monday Almost on Tuesday Almost on Wednesday Almost on Thursday Almost on Friday Almost on Saturday Almost on Sunday.!

   Lots of mothers are gonna be surprised when their Mother's Day gift is a barrel of oil

   I spend most of my time resenting people who never had to use a typewriter.

   Ninety percent of being a dog is not realizing your own tail is your own tail.

   I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

   I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

   I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.

   I like holding doors open for people who aren’t close and watch them do that goofy power walk.

   My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.

   Husband praying mantis: I have a headache

   It cost me $0 to cut you off and believe me, I love free stuff...

   On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing