Snotty Funny Status Messages

   FYI : The "Supreme Court" is just the "regular court",, served with sour cream and tomatoes

   (overheard in Horse-ville)....."All in favour of this-here horse for president say Yea"... *silence*.... "All those opposed say Nay"... And that's why Horse-ville has been without a president for over 200 years ..

   What's black, white, has gills but flies and is available at book stores??.................I don't know, nothing probably, cuz that's ridiculous.

   All my life I thought air was free, until I bought a bag of Lay's potato chips.

   Can dogs have onion?... Cause I gave my dog an onion four years ago,,, and now my internet's acting up

   Chocolate makes dogs REALLY tired. Mine's been sleeping for three days!! I don't want to wake him... So cute!

   What??? You want me to travel to Manila to pick up some envelopes??

   I don't another superpower... When I lift my son to let his hand touch the ceiling,, I see it in his eyes.

   John has 36 kit kat bars and He eats 30 of them. What does that leave John with?........................ Diabetus,, John has "The diabetus."

   ZOOKEEPER: As you all know, one of the penguins has somehow gone missing & we need to find it.. ME: *nervously* it's finders keepers tho,,, right?

   I got kicked out of Subway again for NOT talking on my iPhone when ordering a sandwich

   COWORKER: ...and so, my big toe got cut off.... ME:. *farts*.... Sorry, I'm lack-toes intolerant

   I'm beginning to think the Romans were lucky,,,,, At least Nero could play an instrument. .

   PRO TIP: If you see a carrot on tinder,,,,, ALWAYS swipe left

   I'll take opposites for 400 Alex... "the opposite of downcat"... What is updog?.."Not much what's up with you"... * Alex quits,, they shutdown show forever*

   Hey,,, I used to play bass for "50 cent" when he was known as "two dimes and a nickle"

   I sit blindfolded. A woman in a lab coat feeds me a Twix.... "Hmmmm, She marks her notes, 33 consecutive correct guesses"

   TIP: If you try to make a smoothie for lunch........ Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.

   In Maine,, I've decided we only need one weather man, and his job is to stand on camera shivering saying bundle up,,, that's it.

   I want to be the first person on shark tank who walks in holding nothing but a turd in her hand