Funny Status Messages

   Somewhere in Michigan an 8-year-old boy farted half a beat before that meteor set off an earthquake. It was the greatest moment of his life.

   Someone should invent an alarm clock that automatically reports you sick when you've pressed snooze 3 times

   Stranger Things got it all wrong. It should have started Season 1 as Strange Things

   Crazy glue is like regular glue except it forgot to take its meds

   Somebody needs to invent a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell "Alright already!"

   Gym selfie challenge: Stop taking them. Seriously nobody cares that much about your workout.

   Happy Groundhog Day to any hole-dwelling rodents who happen to be reading this.

   Kylie Jenner named her baby Stormy... So let me get this straight.... The Kardashians now have a Stormy, North, Chicago with a Saint?!

   It's hard to focus on a home workout when your home also contains a refrigerator full of delicious food

   If men Honestly answered facebook question ; What's on your mind? Facebook would turn into a pornsite

   I hate arriving early, I hate showing up late, but what I really hate having to be there

   Ironically, the people you meet by accident are often the ones who become an important part of your life

   Nice try "St. Patrick," but I was going to drink anyway. Now...LET'S GET READY TO STUMMMMBLLLLE!

   Sex so good I wake up in the middle of it

   I'm looking for a woman who'll love me for my money but is really bad at math

   Girls say they want a fairytale wedding but when I bring in the evil witch queens and the enchanted frogs, now she changes her mind

   Single men: To keep on enjoying your carefree life, never utter the words "I DO"

   Hello. HP? I'd like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.

   I already finished my chocolate bunny. Next year I want a chocolate moose.

   Fun fact: Hostess Twinkies are 88 years old. (4/06/30) They were first filled with banana cream filling. But change to a vanilla cream filling do to a banana rationing during WW II.